Thursday, April 9, 2009

tomorrow, tomorrow

I can't decide whether I'm eagerly waiting for tomorrow to arrive, or whether I'm dreading it. Both, I guess.

On the one hand, this whole belly-of-the-whale/waiting torture/inbetween-time thing just can't go on any longer. It's not sustainable. I cannot keep feeling like my period is coming any second now (I don't feel this way all the time, but more than enough of it). I cannot keep imagining the best and worst scenarios tomorrow might bring, over and over and over again. These have been the longest two weeks of my life.

But on the other hand, the only advantage of dragging out this time is that, while I'm still waiting, there's still reason to be hopeful. Tomorrow will be the end of the hope: either it will be fulfilled, or snuffed out. And the stark reality of that scares the life out of me. My desire to keep hoping is what's prevented me from testing early with a home pregnancy test: unbelievably, there's a part of me that simply doesn't want to know.

But tomorrow will come, whether I want it to or not. Fortunately, I have plenty to keep me busy during the day.

A million thanks to all of you who've been commenting - your support means more than I can say.

11 comments:

  1. The last day is absolute torture isn't it? I can never ever get over how within seconds/minutes one can go from hope to fear and back again.

    Hang in there!!! I am holding my breath with you.

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  2. I've been lurking on your blog for a bit now. I just wanted to thank you for helping me through my 2WW. Good luck tomorrow--I hope there's nothing but good news.

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  3. I am thinking of you, and I'm glad you have lots to keep you busy. Can't wait to hear about the results!

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  4. i know what you mean about wanting hope to go on... and friend... i know it doesn't feel this way... but hope doesn't end tomorrow- either way. either it is transferred to the hopeful waiting of pregnancy, or... more painfully... well... it can be reborn. but i do know what you mean- the specific hope of this past intense month... that ends either way tomorrow. and that is hard.

    we're still praying for you every day... at breakfast this morning I thought, "one. more. day."

    wow.

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  5. i always feel the same way about the 2ww. i dread it and wish it would end, until the end is close and then i wish the inkling of hope would stick around.

    i hope you get great news tomorrow, i can't wait to read all about it.

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  6. another if-er introduced me to the concept of PUPO which stands for Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise. while it would be nice to drop the UPO, there is something comforting about the in between state of the 2ww. i'm always a bit sad to leave the grey area and be thrust out into the harshness of black & white.

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  7. The last few days are absolutely the worst. I am sending tons of good juju your way, and will be thinking about you tomorrow, which I truly truly hope will be a Good Friday for you.

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  8. Waiting is always the hardest part. Good luck tomorrow!

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  9. I'm sorry this last day is so hard, and I'm wishing you a peaceful night and day tomorrow. My fingers are crossed for you, and HOPING so much! I'll be checking in on you often tomorrow.

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  10. Thinking of you today, hopefully yesterday wasn't too much of a drag.

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  11. You describe so well the weird torturous delight of the 2WW. Good luck with your beta, I hope for good news for you and send you just-in-case good wishes to support you in case it turns out otherwise.

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