Friday, April 24, 2009

one percent.

I'm trying to think of other things today, but it's not working.  The only thing going through my head are these two words:

"One percent.  One percent.  One percent."

One last test showed another abnormally rising beta number yesterday, so I've officially been diagnosed with an ectopic pregnancy.  I had a conference with the doctor today, and she typed it out in my chart:

"Empty uterus.  Abnormally rising betas.  Presumed ectopic."

"This happens rarely, right?" I asked the doctor.  "Yes," she said ruefully, "in one percent of IVF patients."

One percent.  One percent.  One percent.  It's like a freaking broken record in my head.

The treatment at this stage is a shot of methot.rexate, which is a drug used for chemotherapy.  It kills "rapidly developing cells," such as those in the placenta my badly-placed embryo is trying to create.  "Probably," I won't require surgery.  "Probably," there won't be too many side effects.  "Probably," I will need only one dose.

Yeah.  Forgive me if I'm not big on "probably" right now.

The idea of a miscarriage was bad enough.  This - this one percent anomaly - makes me bitter.  One lousy, crummy, god-damned (I mean that literally) percent.  I am very, very tired of being on the wrong end of statistics.  

I was more comfortable feeling sad.  Sad felt right.  It was okay to be sad, because sad goes away after awhile; sad is how you should feel when you have a miscarriage.

But this wave of bitterness swallowing me right now scares me more than any reaction I have ever had.  I am really, really fucking pissed off.  A LOT.  The intensity of it freaks me out.  I hate the world right now.  I hate my doctor.  I hate that we built up our hopes only to have them slowly killed over a god-damned two week period.  I hate people who are pregnant.  (Don't take this personally if you are.)  I hate everything.  

I also hate feeling this way.

I'm sure the intensity of this will die down over time.  But it's going to take awhile.  At this point, if my bitterness decreases one percent each day, I'll be lucky.


  1. hard feelings, but... understandable feelings.

    i'm so sorry, friend. and so freaking mad right with you.

    it is just. not. right.

  2. I have no wisdom to share, but just wanted to say that I am thinking of you.

  3. Ugh, ugh, ugh. I'm so sorry you're in this place. Thinking of you.

  4. You have every right to be completely pissed off right now, it is SO not fair that you ended up in the one percent. Bitterness and anger is scary, but hopefully healing in some way, too (has to be, right?). Thinking of you...

  5. Have continued to keep up with you through your blog and am so very, very sorry.

  6. I am so, so sorry. I didn't even know an ectopic pregnancy could result from IVF, so I was shocked to read about it.

    I think you are right to be bitter and angry and pissed at the world. These things are so completely unfair and they just suck and there's no rhyme or reason for it. It wasn't "meant to be" or "God's will" - I don't think God has singled some of us out for these kinds of terrible circumstances. I'm just very sorry it had to be you.

    I'm thinking of you.

  7. I am so sorry. Sometimes it feels like the statistics screw us every possible way.