Thursday, April 16, 2009

for the birds

There are these birds outside our front window. They've been there about two weeks now.  I don't know what they do during the day - they seem to commute someplace else - but in the morning and the evening, I can hear them from any room in the house.   They're hurling themselves against the window, over and over and over again.  They sit on the fence perpendicular to the window, and they throw themselves at the glass.  Twenty, thirty times.  Eventually they give up and go away.  And then they come back a few hours later.

Until Monday, these birds were irritating the crap out of me.  My God, I would think, how stupid ARE these birds?  How many freaking times do they have to hit the glass before they figure it out - you can't get in here, you morons?  And what the heck is in here that they want so badly?  Don't they know when to admit defeat?  Any intelligent person (or bird) would realize by now; it just ain't gonna happen, buckos.  LET IT GO.  Move on.  

And also, they are shitting all over the window.  And the fence.

I think about them all the time now.  Except when I am thinking about what on earth might be happening in my body, or how we are going to find the money for additional IVF cycles, and how terrified I am that I will have another miscarriage, or never be successful at all, or trying to stop crying.  Again.  I keep thinking about the birds and their foolish determination to get in here, no matter what.

Forty-one times I have thrown myself at the window and hit the ground outside.  Any reasonable person (or bird) would start to think, doesn't she get it?  Doesn't she understand that it's just not going to happen?  How much more does she have to shit on the window before she realizes that she's still on the ground, outside, dazed and cold and with a massive headache?

I heard the birds again this morning and I lay in bed and thought, keep trying, guys.  Keep going.  If I could open the window for you, I would.  Shit all you want.  I'll clean it up later.  

Someday they'll move on, I suppose.  Not anytime soon, I hope.


  1. What a beautiful post.

    I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I've been thinking of you ever day, hoping that you're doing OK.

  2. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I can almost hear myself in your words because I suffered a miscarriage after my first IVF too. I felt such profound sadness, heartache and of course, the anger. It still hits me. After much soul searching, we decided to try IVF #2. Though cost was a consideration, our biggest concern was whether we could handle another heartbreaking loss. Guess I'm going to hurl myself at the window too.
    Thank you for sharing; I hope the birds keep you company for a little while longer too.

  3. Beautiful, and even hopeful amidst the sadness I know you are feeling. I am thinking of you, and glad that you are not giving up hope.

  4. You don't know me but I just spent over an hour reading through your blog. Our stories are similar and I just wanted to say I'm so sorry. I have no more words. I'm just so sorry for your loss.