presenting...

"your two gorgeous embryos," says the doctor.

We love this doctor.

The transfer went very well - so well, that the embryologist asked us if we were prepared for twins. "How high a chance would that be, exactly?" I asked nervously. "About 25%," she said, leading me to believe that fertility specialists have a slightly different definition of "high possibility" than I do. The doctor casually mentioned that we should be prepared for "twins. Or triplets," she said, as if this did not freaking matter at all, as opposed to the fact that my heart nearly stopped for a moment - but, given that triplets is about a 1-2% chance, I've got other things to worry about. (Other good news, however: 1 additional was frozen today, and they're watching 3 more for possible freezing tomorrow. Back-up plans make me happy.)

Namely, that I am so completely twisted that my response to a transfer where everything went "beautifully," with embryos that are "gorgeous," is immediately to think, "Everything today went so well that surely I will screw it up or it will turn out badly in the end, because that is our luck when it comes to babies." REALLY? That's my response to a day that went as perfectly as it could? I immediately complain that it was too good?

Infertility: a level of mindf*ck you can never imagine until you get there.

On the way home, I was listening to an NPR story about a new video game based on Dante's Inferno (naturally, this time Dante fights his way through hell, presumably kicking demon ass all the way). "Huh," I thought. "Dante don't know squat about levels of hell until he's endured a two week wait following in-vitro fertilization. You want hell? Try that."

Now, all we can do is wait. Beta is February 19th. Thanks again for all your support; it makes all the difference in the world. There's another thing Dante didn't have: friends in blogland. I highly recommend it.

and then there were...

...still seven!

They called with the update - I was upstairs, trying to finish the window-blind install we'd started during halftime of the basketball game, so my husband answered the phone. "Oh," he said, "okay," and then got this look of complete confusion on his face, as if he had walked into what he thought was the Home and Garden Show but turned out to be the Bridal Fair. Confusion, plus slight panic. "Um, you'd better talk to my wife," he said, and the nurse told me that all seven were "still going strong," so we're headed in for a day 5 transfer on Tuesday.

Holy. Freaking. Cow. I realize we don't know what happens from here. I fully realize that there are absolutely no guarantees, that we could be heartbroken in just a few short weeks - but for now, for today, there's good news. And that will be enough for the day.

seven

First off, I just want to profess my deep and undying love for my nurse, who called with the fertilization report at 10:45 this morning (as opposed to my previous cycle, when the call came at 5pm - though that was from my doctor, and it may well be that they needed more time that day to see how the two remaining eggs were developing). HUGE weight off my shoulders.

And, it was good news! Of the 10 eggs, 8 fertilized (we're using ICSI) and 7 are developing well. SEVEN! Last time, we only had two that got this far, so this is a big step in the right direction. They're holding off until tomorrow to decide between a 3 or 5-day transfer.

Seven is my new favorite number. Not that I'm going to go all George-Costanza on you and name my child 'Seven,' or anything, but still...it's a fun number to repeat. I'm just going to say it one more time: seven.

Feels good.

retrieval update

Still a little groggy from the anesthetic, but...10 eggs! Twice as many as last time, so I'm pretty happy.

Now, the big wait for the fertilization phone call. Thanks so much for all the good wishes; it really helps.

retrieval song

I've been humming "tomorrow, tomorrow, I love you, tomorrow," intermittently today. But then I caught the end of another song, one I love, on the radio, and it occurred to me that it might fit even better.

Maybe in the future
you're gonna come back
you're gonna come back around
Maybe in the future
you're gonna come back
you're gonna come back
The only way to really know
is to really let it go
maybe you're gonna come back
you're gonna come back
you're gonna come back to me

I'm excited for retrieval tomorrow. But what I like about today is that it's all still possible, that they're all still safe, all those little follicles that still might contain eggs which might fertilize correctly, which might transfer well, which might implant, which might end up in a child. Might.

But the only way to really know, is to really let them go. And hope that maybe, they're gonna come back, they're gonna come back, they're gonna come back to me.

Thanks to Ingrid Michaelson, artist extraordinaire, for the wonderful lyrics.

big shot

Simply because the universe likes to mess with my whole "I'm not patient" thing, it took a few extra hours today to make a decision: but, long story short, retrieval is on for Thursday morning. (Dear Lord, may this mean that last night was my final meno.pur shot ever.)

13-14 follicles looking good; lining is great. Emotionally, I feel fine - the headaches are gone too - but my goodness, I'm feeling bloated.

That means that tonight, at 8pm sharp, my husband will be doing his one-and-only injection for me, since the clinic has moved from progesterone-in-oil shots to suppositories (less pain: more gross). It's officially big shot night.

And then, after that, we will be putting aside all fertility-related concerns for two hours because - almost as eagerly anticipated as retrieval day - it's the LOST season premiere. 9pm sharp. Two hours in which the state of my ovaries and their contents are not the biggest thing on my mind: sounds good to me.

Also, I messed around with my blog layout. All a part of the "keep mind off ovaries" plan. So far, not terribly successful, but LOST will surely triumph.

the waiting game

I am not a patient person. IVF has taught me this.

So, I went in for today's ultrasound. Things are still looking good: 13 follicles developing very well - just not as quickly as I would like. My initial calendar put the 'best guess' retrieval date at tomorrow; as of last week, they were guessing Wednesday; now it's a 50/50 between Thursday and Friday. None of this is bad, unless you are like me and have a hard time with the "wait and see" thing, and also when you are feeling pretty bloated and would like to hand over these little dudes ASAP.

Lining is 10.2mm - good. Follicles are mostly between 14-15, with one at 20 and a few at 11 - good. Apart from the bloating, I feel - good.

Except for the waiting. Control freaks, take note: IVF is in charge, now.