I'm getting more used to the telling, and enjoying it more than at first. Crossing over into trimester two (yippee!) helps, although it doesn't exactly chase the fear away completely. I wish I could go to the doctor once a week for a nice, reassuring doppler check. And yes, I have thought about renting one of those little suckers myself - and I may do it yet - but I'm also freaked out by the possibility that, one day, I'll panic myself unnecessarily by not being able to find the heartbeat, convince myself of DOOM, DOOM, and all for no reason except that I have shittastic doppler skills. So, for now, I'm not taking that leap.
Also, I have control issues. (Have I mentioned this?) And I need to work on that. It's much harder work without the doppler, but I think it's good for me. At least, this is what I think right now. Give me fifteen minutes: it could change.
The fear is still a big deal. It lurks in the corner like the childhood monster in your closet. It comes out a night (apparently it is made more comfortable by my regular need to pee). It's not quite as big as it used to be - it's like when you visit your elementary school as an adult and wonder how on earth you used to fit into those chairs, and was the lunchroom always that small? - but it's still there. I have a feeling it's moved in permanently, as part of parenthood. I'm sure it will change shape, all the way to, "will s/he get into college?" but we'll learn to manage it. (She says hopefully.)
The nausea is easing up a bit, though still problematic in the mornings. I've added a stuffy nose and unusual amount of sneezing to the palate o' symptoms - but I'll take those over vomiting any day.
On Thursday, I'll hit 14 weeks. Amazing. Grateful beyond words.