still waiting, in bullet form

I forgot how much of a black hole the 2ww is. Really; it's like the pregnancy-symptom obsession has crowded everything else out of my brain, so much so that, while presiding at communion yesterday, I started feeling cramps and almost blurted something inappropriate out loud during the words of institution: "after supper, he took the cup, gave thanks, and...oh, shit. SHITSHITSHIT are those cramps? Is that bad? Or good?"

My husband tells me "not to think about it." I tell him, "fat chance."

Here's the current status report:

• My boobs started out super sore for the first few days, but then have settled into a much less sore pattern lately. They're sore if I poke them (which I do a crazy number of times daily). This makes me panic, because surely the boobs would be sore if I were pregnant?

• I feel crampy on and off - nothing major, nothing unusual. Do I feel like I usually do before I get my period? Yes, pretty much. This also makes me panic, except that I've read many accounts of how women were absolutely sure they were getting their period, and turned out to be pregnant. So, sometimes the cramps are reassuring. And sometimes they freak me out.

• I've felt sort of lightheaded and very, very faintly nauseous a few times. However, this may be a self-fulfilling prophecy, more than anything else: that is, I grab onto any little teeny, weeny, possibility of a symptom and then run with it like an Olympic relay athlete. Also, I'm pretty sure that it's way to early to feel anything anyway, and that whatever I do feel is much more likely to be a side effect of the progesterone.

• Last night, I had the overwhelming feeling that this didn't work. No particular reason. Just the Black Hole of Doom swallowing me up.

• I have not yet tested on a pee stick, having determined via Highly Reliable Internet Research that I'm not very likely to get a reliable positive until this Wednesday, and even that might be pushing it. Given that beta is Friday, I'm not sure whether I'll bother with the stick or not. Right now, I think I'll see what my acupuncturist says on Wednesday. Maybe I'll test Friday morning, pre-beta. Or, maybe I'm terrified that it didn't work and the uncertainty of this two week wait is still, at least, a time of hope - and I'm loathe to have it come to an end, so I'll drag out the wait as long as possible.

The only thing I am likely to accomplish this week is the number one thing on my priority list: "do not lose mind." And even that's going to be hard to pull off.