giuliana, bill, me, and the quest for distraction

A girl can only pee on so many sticks a day, you know? (Namely, I can only pee on one, because I only have one left and I need it for tomorrow.)

So, in an effort to keep myself busy, I'm watching last Sunday's episode of Giuliana and Bill, otherwise known as Hollywood's Latest Fad: Infertility Happens To Cute, Famous People Too!

Episode Three (I think): Couple's Retreat

3:00 - Perky theme song. Cut to scene at hospital in Chicago. Their "baby doctor" (ob-gyn, get a freaking RE, you morons) is doing an HSG on Giuliana, in which he discovers that her tubes are fine but her uterus is apparently in the wrong place. "Have you ever seen that?" asks Bill. "Not to this degree," says the doctor. "The last thing you want to hear is your doctor saying, 'I've never seen this before,'"says Giuliana, with which I agree. However, the doctor assures them this is not a "dealbreaker." Suspect it is, in fact, a very minor issue which needed to be blown up in order to create Important Reality Show Moment With Dramatic Music.

3:04 - Bill decides to bring back the "Rancic challenge," an event in which family and friends get together and, I guess, beat the crap out of each other. Or something. This is going to give them a break from baby-trying. Personally, I would go more for a Bermuda vacation, if I had their resources.

3:05 - Bill confesses that he has had other girlfriends in the past. GASP.

3:06 - To the bar, where G & B are meeting up with the other couples. They bring their actual victory cup. This is some serious commitment, here.

3:07 - Baby doctor calls G on the phone to see "how she is holding up." The location of the uterus is off to one side, so apparently he thinks there could be some weird deal with her colon getting all stuck up in there, or something. G may be constipated. If E! is seriously telling us that constipation causes infertility, I am going to kick some E! ass. Pronto.

3:08 - the doctor refers to G as "babe." As in, G: "we'll talk to your office and schedule an appointment," Doctor: "you got it, babe." I cannot imagine my doctor calling me "babe." Anyone contemplating sticking a catheter up my hoo-ha is NOT allowed to call me "babe." This all adds to the weird combination of Serious Medical Problem + Joking Informality about Infertility which pisses me off about this show.

3:10 - Charming, Rich, Metrosexual Couples prepare for Kick Ass Couples Challenge while drinking expensive wine. Much banter ensues. Then commercial break, with teaser of G crying on the high ropes course. Shocker.

3:15 - B & G loll around in fancy resort whilst discussing how they will kick butt during the challenge. Dudes. BORING. Get back to the infertility so I can bitch about it.

3:16 - G confesses she can't stop thinking about future doctor appointments. Find self empathizing with G, as currently cannot stop thinking about own future doctor appointment (current loop in head: FridayFridayFridayFridayFriday).

3:17 - high ropes course. I will undoubtedly make fun of G for wimping out on this, but the truth is, I might very well do the same thing. Probably would. But then, do not have money or time to create Couples Extravaganza at Ritzy Arizona Retreat, so I'm safe.

3:18 - G is freaking out on wires. Commercial break, with teaser for upcoming Couples Showdown in which someone is called a cheater. BUT WHO? WHO?

(Love DVR and commercial fast forward option.)

3:20 - B & G are in fourth place. Tragic.

3:22 - Second event: chili cook-off. Now, this is more my territory. Except that they have 20 minutes to make the chili, and I have no idea how that will work. G can hardly stir a bowl of cheese. She is paralyzed by the amount of available ingredients. Lord, but she is irritating in these moments.

3:24 - time is up. DRAMA! Chef will pronounce final decision at the end of weekend. Preliminary results: Couple 1: lemony. Couple 2: good. Couple 3: not bad. Couple 4 (B & G): long pause...what is that flavor? Bill tries to explain bizarre combination of ingredients. Chef is not buying it. Couple 5: nice.

3:26 - couples are now challenged to climb giant ladder. Friendly Instructor Lady offers disclaimer: "if you are pregnant or may be pregnant, you'll want to consult with your doctor on this." G immediately counts herself out. Find self remembering all times the word "pregnant" was uttered in unexpected moments and sympathize with G, even though she is clearly using this to attempt chickening out of Giant Ladder Challenge.

3:28 - G reminds us, for the one thousandth time, that she is afraid of heights. SHUT THE EFF UP AND DO SOMETHING, G. How is it that, in every episode, she is convinced either she or Bill is going to die? YOU ARE AN ENTERTAINMENT REPORTER, lady. You have the least dangerous life on earth, except that Angelina Jolie might kill you with her icy stare when you ask her whether Brad wears boxers or briefs. Get over yourself.

3:30 - last challenge: "Celebrity." Guessing celebrity names, in some manner. Think G might do well at this one.

3:31 - indeed, G kicks butt in naming celebrities. Again: SHOCKER.

3:32 - uh-oh: funny celebrity-guessing game turns ugly. People are questioning the integrity of Bill's Yuppie, Made-Up Competition. Oh, no!

3:33 - during commercial break, realize that this show is normally half an hour, but is, for some reason, an hour this time. Also realize that 30 minutes is about my limit for this show.

3:34 - couples are ridiculously bitter about celebrity game. On the other hand, it is about time for Dramatic Reality Show Moment Which Is Supposed to Keep Audience Sucked In For Another 15 Minutes, so that's probably the deal.

3:36 - everyone goes to see Wyatt, who appears to be an old cowboy who uses horses to do couples therapy, or individual counseling, or something. Wyatt teaches Touching Lesson about how too much competition can ruin friendships. Well-timed, Wyatt.

3:37 - Cowboy Counselor Wyatt diagnoses Bill as secretly insecure. Good job, Mr. Ed.

3:38 - Cowboy Counselor Wyatt gets G to confess that she had a bad experience with a horse one time. (Side note: What the hell kind of shoes is she wearing? They look like black ace bandages with velcro straps and the toe cut out. Not good.) Then Cowboy Counselor Wyatt asks G if she ever felt alone "as a small person." "Were you left alone a lot?" he asks. G cries. Cowboy Counselor Wyatt gets G to raise horse's hoof, which is evidently a sign of trust from the horse. I wonder if the horse ever gets so sick of Cowboy Counseling that he wants to demonstrate his frustrated inner horse by kicking Wyatt in the head, but I guess we'll never know.

3:39 - Wyatt gets everybody to tearfully confess some insecurity and then lift up the horse's leg. Formerly competitive friends are now magically transformed into Bonded, Psychologically Healthy Buddies.

3:43 - somehow, B & G meet with another counselor, at this retreat center, who specializes in couples who want children. What the hell kind of spa is this?

3:44 - counselor asks, "how do you feel about being childless?" B & G are silent. Remember many times I have wondered that same question. Am feeling sincere love for B & G until G says, "I just hope that everything's okay with my uterus." Then want to slap her in the face. However, they talk about having to be okay with that potential outcome (childlessness, not my slapping her in the face). "You go through life not wanting to get pregnant, and then you try, and it's not that easy," G says. Poor G.

3:36 - B says, "there's a lot of stigma about not being able to have a child, but I think it makes you stronger." Appreciate that the show is admitting that infertility is not always solved by shiny, happy baby. However, still strongly suspect that Weird Uterus Problem is being artificially dragged out by show. Suspicion confirmed by next commercial break teaser, in which G's voice says, "what is wrong with my uterus? Will we be able to have a child? Now we're finally going to find out." Bet that "finally" means, "in the next episode."

3:48 - announcement of Challenge Champion. B thinks everyone has been winners. B gives heartfelt speech about how everyone wins, accompanied by Sincere and Emotional Guitar Music in Background. Group decides not to pronounce a winner, probably because B & G lost and don't want to admit it. Whatever. Wish someone would shout, "Screw this!", turn over the tables, and start a fight. But, no.

3:50 - G has had colon cleansing - mercifully, not included in show. G now has external ultrasound. Uterus now looks "nice and normal." Find self in disbelief that show is apparently suggesting that a fucking colonoscopy can cure infertility. WHAT THE HELL? "Now, we are getting pregnant," says G.

3:51 - decide to Stop. Watching. This Idiotic Show.

3:52 - except that next episode teaser may be showing use of fertility drugs. Sigh. May have to watch. DAMN these reality show people and their stupid teasers.