In Which Bill Shoots Giuliana (sort of), and I don't blame him

Well, I'm officially pregnant. Which means it's time to switch from the tried-and-true 'infertility panic' (is that my period? are those cramps? did I just screw up that injection?) to the all-new-and-exciting pregnant-panic (is that a cramp? why am I not nauseous right now? oh shit, is this herbal tea going to kill the baby?).

Which means that I'm still in need of distraction. Which means, I'm going to watch Giuliana and Bill: Demonstrating How Being Rich Does Not Make You Less Irritating, Even If You Are Infertile.

In today's episode, G & B are traveling to Hong Kong. Also, I think they are going to have to try some kind of fertility drugs. I'm sure the Hong Kong thing will be fascinating, but let's face it: we all know why I'm watching this show. And it ain't the travel.

4:00 - Cheesy theme song. Scold self for continuing to watch show. Blame this on baby, who is causing me need for distraction. Remember that also blamed baby last night for state of extreme gaseous-ness. (Husband tried same excuse, to no avail.)

4:01 - G has been invited to China to start new Asian version of E! news. Would like to formally apologize, in advance, to China for arrival of Giuliana. Even if G is originally from Italy.

4:02 - B will be speaking at some business school in Hong Kong. Hmmm...so amazing that they would have plans at the same time halfway across the world! Surely very spontaneous and not-at-all-contrived by reality show in preparation for episode!

4:03 - G says they have "been trying to get pregnant for awhile now." Wish they would be more specific about timeline. Perhaps has been a year (or at least 6 months, as G looks 35+ to me), but have suspicion that G may have been talking into Important Infertility Storyline for show after, say, 2 months of negative pregnancy tests.

4:04 - G & B try to explain "IUI." Find self wishing had gun so could shoot television. They use word "implant." Infertility Rage returns. "Turkey baster," they say. G does not know whether sperm goes into uterus or ovaries. Ha ha ha, G. Ignorance is funny: it's a Hollywood staple.

4:06 - However, G proves with Random Assistant that she can pronounce variety of complicated fashion-related names and concepts, so - why not learn the difference between a freaking uterus and a freaking ovary? Sharp shooting pains in head. Maybe can sue E! news for giving me a small stroke.

4:08 - Dr. Not An RE is explaining their injectables. Shots will start on day 3. Bill quite capably explains follicle development (take a lesson, G). B & G are set for IUI. Also, Bill is going to help G gain 5 pounds, which she has not yet done. Can feel every woman in America (or, the 10 watching this show) hating her right now.

4:10 - G packs fancy, expensive clothing. B peruses restaurant guides. Bye, B & G! See you in Hong Kong!

4:11 - G describes Hong Kong as "New York on crack." Sure that natives of Hong Kong will love that line. Also sure they are not watching this show, so is probably okay.

4:12 - G has so much to get ready for! E! party! All sorts of E! events! Useless celebrity gossip to spread! Clearly, must shop! Lots!

4:13 - G & B go to meat market. (Hmm...maybe nausea is returning.) B & G perform Supremely Irritating American Trick of speaking English really loudly, as if this will help.

4:14 - G claims she is all about trying the "local cuisine." Find this not quite believable. Suspect G will be heading for the first McDonald's she can find.

4:16 - G whines about eating said local cuisine. SHOCKER. She likes the dumplings at P.F. Chang's better. Again: shocker.

4:18 - G is trying to find knock-off bags. They go to the "Hong Kong Ladies Market," which seems like kind of a sexist name, but then again, I don't know any guys who want to spend their afternoon looking at plastic Chanel rip-offs.

4:20 - we meet a prof at Hong Kong University, who's invited Bill to speak at his class. Bill pontificates about Donald Trump and Important Business Stuff. Dudes. BORING. Get back to the infertility.

4:21 - G uses the term 'Aunt Flo.' Hate G right now.

4:21 - However, arrival of said Aunt Flo means time to figure out the shots. Remembering times self had to give shots while traveling - was, indeed, hard. Also remember first shot ever, which totally made me panic, so am trying to have empathy for B & G. Or, at least for B.

4:22 - Dr. Not An RE explains injectables. They have a pen-style shot. G is not excited about B giving her shots. However, B is confident as used to watch Trapper John, M.D. B is completely stumped by pen-shot. Would feel empathy here except swear I can hear show's director whispering, "now, try to open it but then have trouble. No, more trouble! I need this shot to last at least 15 seconds! LOOK CONFUSED, BILL!"

4:23 - thankful for commercial break. Need, once more, to register my objection to E! about moving this show to 60 minutes. That is just way too much G.

4:36 - B still trying to figure out pen. G suggests reading directions. (G may have a point on this one.) Recall that this is part of why gave self shots instead of letting husband try to figure it out. Also, husband tends to pass out when injections and blood involved. Find self considering, for 1000th time, what this will mean for labor, then realize have zoned out on the show. Consider rewinding, but then again, the plot is not that complicated. Will just guess what happens next: G will whine about something.

4:39 - good guess. G is whining about getting on a fishing boat.

4:40 - B & G take harbor tour of Hong Kong. Today's Moment In Which Giuliana is Sure They Are All Going to Die: big waves on boat. Freaks G out.

4:41 - time for important work stuff. Malaysian interviewer confirms that G is, indeed, 35. (Thanks, Malaysian reporter!) G apparently learned to speak English by watching news. And also, apparently, thinks of herself as a "news anchor." Find self in despair that Malaysian interviewer refers to G that way. Wish Diane Sawyer had reality show. But Diane is clearly too smart to put her life on TV. Bummer.

4:43 - B & G visit fortune teller in market. G will have long life because she has big ears. She is "like the Buddha." Cannot actually think of someone who is less like Buddha, but whatever. He foretells at least 2 children. And also, if they don't have children, their marriage is screwed. Would have punched fortune teller. Bad international press, however.

4:44 - B & G visit temple because they "are religious and spiritual people," (not, "because we needed 10 minutes of filler before the next fertility segment"). Nice Hong Kong people try to explain incense ritual. They also learn about ritual in which dropping two half-moon shaped figures determines whether or not your wish will come true. Bill keeps getting "no" on his wish. Want to laugh at this, except that must confess that I have, embarrassingly often, tried to figure out "signs." As I live in glass house, cannot throw stones. Sigh. Whole point of watching this show is stone-throwing.

4:47 - G gets "yes" in answer to her question: "Will we get pregnant soon?" Feel that answer, just possibly, may have been manipulated by show's producers. Scandalous.

4:49 - B is horrified by price of bags. G needs to do more shopping.

4:51 - B & G wear new clothes to fancy E! event. Boring speeches.

4:53 - Shot Day. B is finally reading directions. G is very nervous. Feel for G. G whines. Now, do not feel for G. G cannot handle World's Smallest Injection Needle. Feel that G should seriously reconsider squeezing watermelon-sized baby out her hoo-ha. (Or maybe canteloupe, but still: big baby. Small hole. Think about it, G.)

4:54 - G wins the gold medal at whining. B gives her shot. It looks like he's giving it to her in her lower back, but later angle shows definite butt-inejction. Good job, B. I would have injected it into her head.

4:57 - B surprises G by taking her to a restaurant she can go to at home. (Must admit, gorgeous view.) G loves traveling with B because he "opens her eyes to different things." Such as, for example, a new location of a restaurant she goes to all the time. Way to expand your horizons, G.

4:58 - G heard a great quote: "you have to immerse yourself in an unfamiliar world to truly understand your own." Suspect that she "heard" this "great quote" from the guy behind the camera who is whispering it to her one word at a time.

4:59 - G tries to explain IUI to Random Assistant Or Perhaps Friend, Don't Care. Friend seems horrified by procedure. Do not like friend. Cue the upbeat music.

5:00 - Dr. Not An RE gets ready for IUI. G is "excited and nervous." Seems about right. Evidently G has 3 follicles. Then G has to be tilted backward and stay that way for 30 minutes. Suspect that Dr. Not An RE is not an expert in this. "Whatever happens, happens," says Bill. True that. B & G must wait 12 days. If B & G succeed on first try, will definitely stop watching this show.