Sunday, October 21, 2012

limbo

So, we are still in the limbo of, "yes, we need to talk about it and one day we will eat a meal together that does not involve toddler-directed instructions to remove that finger from your nose but that day has not yet arrived." That is, we have not yet talked about whether to do anything more about having another baby (who would grow into another nose-picking toddler, one assumes). (It's only occasionally with the nose-picking thing, but it is kind of gross. On the other hand, when she held out her finger the other day, booger perched carefully on the tip, and said cheerfully, "hi, booger!" it was pretty funny.)

Anyway. I digress. Probably because my brain is actively trying to digress from the fact that I have just heard that my sister-in-law is pregnant.

Awesome.

It is most certainly different to hear that now than when it happened the first time, about three months before I got pregnant with the afore-mentioned booger girl. Then there was a lot of raging and crying and swearing, etc. Also glasses of wine.

I feel kind of numb about it this time. I suppose I should feel something more distinct, but "should" is a word that does not go well with "feel." I feel tired about it. Weary. Lapped, sort of. Except that we're out of the race - for now - so it's not a great metaphor. You can't get lapped if you're sitting on the sidelines.

The thing is, I mostly feel enormously satisfied with, and grateful for, my life. Just as it is. I am not very good with risk, and part of me is terrified to have another child. I mean, shit can happen and my reproductive record is spotty at best, so why tempt fate? Why try to mess with the goodness we have?

I think this about 95 percent of the time, but at 2:00am, I sometimes think about the handful of times I have taken a risk in my life, and how I've usually been glad that at least I tried.

So we did try, of course. We failed, but we tried. There's no more frozen embryo out there, alternately torturing and teasing us with the possibility of just one more. We took the risk. It's okay.

But is that it? I think so. And then I don't. And then I look at baby photos and I want another. And then I think about turning 40 in three months and I change my mind. And then I think about the fact that someday my husband and I will be dead and we will leave our daughter without any siblings. And then I think about how much I like sleeping through the night (most of the time).

It feels like it will never end.

It stays dormant until somebody else shares their happy news, and then something, somewhere, hurts. Not as deeply as it once did, for sure. My joy for her is more quickly present than the first time around.

But the scars don't go away, I guess. You learn to live with them. You just look at the thing on the tip of your finger, and smile, and say,

Hi, booger.


10 comments:

  1. The scars definitely do not go away. Even after #2, who was worth the risk. Even though we are most definitely and certainly done. There is still a knee-jerk pain when I hear someone is pregnant. Because I assume it was easy for her, which is clearly a silly assumption.

    Been thinking of you. And now I'll be thinking of you and your boogers.

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  2. This is a tough call...so much emotional and financial investment in trying again. But...still those nagging thoughts. You mentioned something that struck a cord in me...."Leaving your daughter without a sibling"....that was the driver for us to have the 2nd. My DH and I are both the youngest in our families and since we had our first baby at 40....our siblings already had teeneagers (or in DH's case...his siblings were grandparents)...so our son had no cousins to grow up with, no-one to share that history....so we decided it was worth the risk....and to add to it....we were 43 already....so we had no intention of using our own goods...we adopted embryos. So...I understand this....I totally did not want to do the newborn stage again....I worked full time and was looking at 2X daycare costs and more stress....but giving our son a sibling was really important to us. There is such a generation gap in our house...he needed that other person to be on "his side" and to share a history. And he needed his own close family when we were gone. So we went for it...more money, more time, more emotional investment. It was tough...but oh so worth it. DD is now coming up on 2 and she has not slept through the night the entire two years and I just don't care...once you are in it...you don't even think about it. So just keep in mind that we got our 1st at 40 (using our own goods).... I know this is a monumental decision....I'm sure your heart will lead you where you need to be.
    kd

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  3. I feel somewhat similar. We were lucky to get twins with our first pregnancy, but I'm longing for another one for a variety of reasons - to have the whole pregnancy and newborn experience again, to give our kids another sibling, because I always wanted a big family. But my husband doesn't want more, and we travel to Italy yearly (which gets exponentially more expensive), and we are happy where we are now, and I DO like sleeping, and I'm getting older, too. The husband not wanting one is a deal-breaker for me anyway, but I'm still mourning the "loss" even as I love my little ones.

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  4. First of all, my daughter is in a serious boogie (the phrase at our house) phase too! She is now trying to pick my nose for boogies too. lovely. but funny too.

    and yeah, i get every last word that you typed about trying again. even though my DH agreed to more treatment, i'm still not sure, not fully in my heart. i just feel too old sometimes, and then other times i think it will work just fine. the flip-flopping, i have it too. i don't know if it will ever stop, no matter what we do. i guess those are the scars, the scar of not getting to choose how your family will look.

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  5. I'm a silent follower of your blog, and have a son born just a few days before your daughter. I'm stuck squarely in the same place that you are. I feel that my life is richer because I have siblings and want my son to feel the same. It's just such a gamble, though. We were lucky enough to conceive with our first IVF, but it was a near thing (only five eggs, transferred the only surviving embryos, got one baby). I'm just not sure that I want to make the same gamble again. I'm paralyzed by the decision right now, and don't know if it's going to get any easier the further we all move away from the baby stage. :/

    So, anyway, you're not alone.

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  6. Ugh, this post resonated with me. I'm starting my first IUI cycle and I'm turning 40 in 3.5 months. Blurgh. I do want another, but I also look forward to the day when I can go outside with my kid(s) and not have to be so constantly vigilant.

    There's obviously no right answer out there; I hope you get a chance to talk soon so you can start to map out this terrain.

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  7. We're all about boogers here too.
    And
    AMEN to your post, lady. I *so* get it. But 5+ years ahead of you age-wise, so my options are more like fantastical financially impossible fantasies. But the sting when someone announces a pregnancy? I wonder if I will ever every get over that. There is such PTSD to IF, I really think so....
    xo
    Kate

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  8. I am so with you on this. Big time. Ugh. I hope you work it out. I say do it. We will always be in debt but this way we will have more kids and more joy as well as the debt! That's what I say when I'm feeling brave! And you know my preference for a good outcome: donor eggs. With a cute proven donor. I know, it sounds easy. I know. The benefits of never having to worry about your eggs and super ovulation are not to be underestimated. It was such a relief for me to just focus on my uterus and lining. Really. But I agree, it's agonizing to figure out. Agreed on the needed sibling for child of older parents, too.

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  9. Just beware when she wants to feed you a "bite." Boogers can re-appear at the worst times ...
    I have the same fear, so afraid that since we are older, something will happen and she will be left alone with no siblings. Cousins are wonderful, but I want more for her. I want more for us.

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  10. I think we must try to make sure our hearts and souls are never closed even though the scars last forever... Thanks for this! Justine

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