Thursday, October 4, 2012

what now?

Since our daughter's birth,  my husband and I had agreed that one day we would try with our one frozen embryo to give her a sibling. If it worked, great. If it didn't, we would call it a day. Seven years of fertility treatment is enough.

I had made my peace with that.

I thought he had too.

Since our negative beta, he and I have not talked much about what we will do now, apart from ten seconds after I hung up with the nurse and said, "it didn't work," and his nearly-instant response was, "you know, we could try it again."

Uhh...WHAT?

We decided to let it lie for awhile. Schedules have been busy and we've had company, and there hasn't been time to have the discussion. Probably in the next week or so. I am not sure what to do with the fact that I really feel done with all of this: sad, that there won't be another baby, so much so that I try not to think about it very much, but not desperately unhappy. Quite content, much of the time, with the life we have.

I think perhaps his hopes had gotten much higher than mine. After all, we'd done IVF twice before and I had, technically, gotten pregnant both times - only one viable pregnancy, of course, but this was the first phone call we'd had which was an instant negative. Game over.

When we started all this, seven years ago, we ended up in a discussion about how much money we were willing to spend on fertility treatments. I was willing to break the bank. Spend it all. We could earn more, but we only had a certain window of time to have a kid. I would have borrowed, begged, and stolen to get it done.

He, on the other hand, calmly and wisely (not that I assessed it this way at the time) said that we needed to acknowledge that all the money in the world might not get us a child.  That we could break the bank, beg, borrow, and steal, and end up broke, indebted, and childless. Which would suck. (He had a better way of putting it.) That we needed to be able to love the life, and live the life, we actually had, and not just long for a future we might not get.

Now, our positions seem to be reversed. So very odd, what this stuff does to you.

4 comments:

  1. Oh my. This happened to us. We didn't have any frozen though...we were so happy that the IVF (our 5th ART cycle and 2nd IVF) worked. We got our baby boy and were thrilled and we were 40! Up until he was about 6 months old...I had zero desire for another baby. I was so happy...and then he weaned and everything changed. And all of a sudden I was desperate all over again....and then my husband made the fatal error of admitting that he thought he would feel complete after our son was born...but he wasn't. So...we set out to find a way....knowing that our own goods were no good. It took about a year to explore all the options, attend some classes and really talk a lot about it when we settled on embryo adoption. 6 months after that we were pregnant and we had our girl in Nov 2010. THAT was when I knew what it felt like to be complete. It is funny how we change....luckily for us...we both went the same direction. I hope your discussions, when they happen, get you both on the same page. It makes moving forward, no matter what the path, so much easier. Good luck.
    kd

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  2. Wait, am I secretly your husband? do you live in my house?? We are going through the same thing over here, with genders reversed. Life is funny, that's for sure.

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  3. I don't want to try and compare our stories at all because I know they are very different. Just wanted to maybe put some positive out there. We went through 3.2 years of trying. One miscarriage, mulitple failed IUI's, and one IVF cycle that left us with two embryos and none to freeze. Those are my two miracles. I know we did not feel complete after just those two, but we had exhausted our coverage and had no money to ever go down that path again. THere was a part of me that said ok if it never happens again I will be content because we both decided that treatments just weren't going to happen again. Not only because of the money, but it was really hard on our marriage. But I secretly wasn't ok with that. Back in March I was going to get on birth control and the very month I was suppose to start that my period never came. Instead we were completely surprised by another miracle. Sometimes life has a funny way of working itself out. HOpe whichever path you both decide on you can have peace with it.

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  4. I too struggled with unexplained infertility for years and I know how you feel. But was fortunate enough to get a copy of Marisa Peer's book Trying to get Pregnant (and Succeeding) on pre release and can say it really worked for me!
    The book is totally different from other fertility books out there...it's positive, reassuring and repeats things enough so that they actually sink in. It doesnt tell you how to suck eggs it makes you realise how such small things can negatively affect your chances of conception and as well as helping that journey I think it gave me a more positive approach overall in life as well. Things happen when your body is ready and in the perfect condition to concieve and you learn so many things that you personally can do to help.
    I would highly recommend Marisa Peer's book as a great mindset shift to conception.

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