Monday, March 29, 2010

moving right along

On Friday, I had my first appointment with the ob-gyn. The regular baby doctor. The one that millions of women go to every year because they are pregnant, as most women can be, without any particular effort or worry. (Not that millions of women go to my doctor, but - oh, you get the point.)

I, myself, felt like a giant fraud. Like the nurses were going to look at me and say, "you? You can't be pregnant. You don't get pregnant! Why are you here?"

Everyone acted like my being there was so normal, and as if everything was just going to go along perfectly fine, and it completely freaked me out. The nurse chatted away about what would happen at the various appointments, and told me I needed to pre-register for delivery at the hospital before my next appointment in a month. The doctor talked about various stages of development and gave me some suggestions for the near-constant nausea, and the whole time, all I could do was think, "but what if something happens? What if something goes wrong? Why is everyone so freaking optimistic around here? What is wrong with them? Don't they know how damn-near impossible it is that I AM EVEN HERE?"

What's wrong, of course, is me. It is a miracle that I'm pregnant - a miracle brought to us by the grace of God and by the smarts and skills of a whole lot of medical people - but, the truth is, there's nothing to suggest that anything will go wrong at this point. The baby was measuring a few days ahead, actually, and the heartbeat was flickering away, and everything looked just fine. I, of course, asked the doctor about the chances of miscarriage, and she said "less than 5%," which you'd think would help - and it does - but I still find myself incapable of relaxing into this pregnancy.

The doctor said that was normal. I'm sure it is, although it's not a whole lot of fun. We're talking about how to tell my church - a step so public it nearly makes me want to throw up, as if I wasn't heading that direction already - and I keep trying to convince my husband to put it off, wait just a little longer. In a few more weeks I'll be out of the first trimester, and I still am afraid to say anything, just in case.

Somehow, somewhere, there is a part of me which believes that my worrying about things makes them happen (or not happen, if that's the better alternative). This is the part of me that hates flying, that worries the whole flight about the wings falling off and the engines quitting and the pilot dying of a heart attack, and acts as if my worrying about those things is the barrier which prevents them from happening. As if my worrying keeps the plane in the air.

And this part of me, this dark-and-twisty part of me, remains convinced that somebody has to remember the risk factors here, somebody has to keep saying, "just in case," and who better than me? Aren't moms supposed to worry? Isn't that their job? (Did you just learn something about my mom? And her mom? Hell, yeah.)

Today, I am taking cupcakes to my RE's office. I want to say, "thank you." I want to stop saying, "just in case." Cupcakes help with most things. Maybe they'll help with this too.


  1. Love this post. It is such a wonderful description of how pregnancy feels to an infertile! And I love your thoughts on how the OB treated you normal. I still feel like a fraud everytime I step into that place. (Even with my enlarging belly!)

  2. At 17.5 weeks, I still feel like it's not truly happening, and the slight worries/freak outs will continue to happen. Congrats on an awesome ultrasound!!

  3. did i ever send you my birth story? even though i didn't wrestle with anxiety through the pregnancy (for the most part and THANKS BE TO GOD because I am an anxious person) it never felt real... and i never really imagined the baby that was coming... couldn't... and couldn't grasp after she came that she really was mine/ours... that i really am a mom... for a long time. so i get this. i do. but you are pregnant, you really are. and you are not a fraud. and this is real. and yes a million things could happen, but right now you are pregnant for real, for real, for real. and i thank God every day for another day of pregnancy for you. and i trust i will thank God for a baby in your arms someday too, as unreal and impossible as that feels and likely will continue to feel.

  4. It's like you are always able to come out and say exactly what I am feeling at exactly the right time.

    I made the announcement at work on Friday and today and I kept feeling like I was lying to everyone. I have dreams that I go to my next OB appointment and they ask me why I am there - like I am a psych patient or something and was never really pregnant.

    I understand this feeling, but I love Sarah S-D's advice and think I might just read it over and over again to myself!

  5. Just found your blog through another blog and really enjoyed the read! I am 6 weeks pregnant and feeling much the same as you - - with the worrying and all. I feel like any day I'm going to wake up and realize its all been a dream. Look forward to following your story!

  6. Congrats on the first appointment!!! I have mine Monday & am feeling a bit apprehensive, I suppose for the same reasons you described. I love the idea of taking cupcakes the RE's...that is so sweet & I'm sure they'd love it! I hear you on the worrying front, it's very difficult not to worry!

  7. I can only imagine the anxiety! I hope you can settle in to the reality of it, at least for some moments.

  8. I won't be confident until I see a strong 12-week ultrasound. Even though I know the chances of anything going wrong are really slim. That said, I feel a little better every day that goes by. I hope the cupcakes help!

  9. I know exactly how you feel. I too had an etopic pregnancy with IVF, though mine was a cervical etopic pregnancy. With my half utuerus, I can't relax at all during this one. I know I've never made it this far (9 weeks) and everyday is a blessing but it's scary. It is the pregnant life of the infertile, sad but true.

  10. I am 21 weeks and still can't believe I'm pregnant. I hate the non-chalance at the OB's office; it makes me want to shout "I HAD A STILLBIRTH!" I am terrified of this pregnancy and each day, try to be happy for the moments I have them alive. FOr today, they are alive. Thank God. Wishing you a bit more relief soon, and try to enjoy it just a little bit. :-)

  11. I totally understand your worry. I am so super worried and am only 4 weeks pregnant. It's good to see I'm not the only IFer that feels like this. I hope you settle into your pregnancy soon! Maybe once you start making the announcements...

  12. "As if my worrying keeps the plane in the air."



    Thinking of you and so very happy for your "perfectly normal" appointment which is perfectly miraculous to you!