Tuesday, March 9, 2010


I haven't written much lately, but the truth is, there isn't much to say. Besides, "excuse me, I need to go throw up" (or, more accurately, "excuse me, I need to go gag myself silly in the bathroom without throwing up, which in itself would be a bit of a relief after the gagging").

I used to read the blogs of women who were pregnant after fertility battles, and I would swear up and down to myself that I would never complain about morning sickness. I would happily throw up and rejoice in every second of it, because it meant that the long-held dream was coming true.

My mother says that the reason women gain so much weight after pregnancy is because they have to eat so many words. So many, "I will never," "I would never," "I could never" - right out the window. (Or, on the hips.) Don't get me wrong: I actually do revel in the nausea, just a bit, because it helps make this all feel more real. But said "reveling" is getting a little less fervent.

Some of you have suggested that I might try to move up my ultrasound date (which is this coming Monday), and I have considered it. But I've decided that I need to practice waiting, a skill at which I, to be perfectly honest, suck, because I'm going to need to get better at that over the next nine months. Plus, I figure that waiting until I'm 7 1/2 weeks will mean we can really see some good stuff on the ultrasound, and then it's only another 2 weeks until my first OB appointment.

I'm freaking out a little bit about leaving my RE. The idea of it, in theory, is great: no more injections! No more wandings (on such a regular basis)! No more freaking blood draws all the freaking time! But the actuality, walking away from this clinic where I have been treated so well, is just one more reminder that I am walking away from this huge part of my life, this definition of myself - infertile - which I have become comfortable with over the past four years.

More comfortable than you'd think, actually. So much so that, when a woman at my church told me a few days ago that she was pregnant, my first thought was something like, "Ugh. I hate you." (Not really, of course, but you know what I mean.) It took me a good ten seconds to remember that I am pregnant too. (I forget this on a regular basis. It's another good thing about the nausea: handy reminder.)

It's funny how the life you know, even if it's not the life you want, becomes so familiar that, when someone hands you the life you've always dreamed of, you're not sure what to do with it. It's a dilemma I'm happy to work on, however.


  1. Great post! How funny & interesting that being infertile has become part of your identity, part of who you are so that you forget you're pregnant and have that similar reaction that we all know well to others who are pregnant.

    I've often thought that if I get pregnant, how would I deal with the nausea... would I be happy about it b/c it would be a tangible sign that I'd be pregnant? Or would that maybe only last the 1 time I'd throw up and then think 'who the heck actually likes throwing up??' :) Thanks for sharing!

  2. That's a great post! And try candied ginger.

  3. I could have written this post word for word. You stated it so well.

    Having been a part of the IF world for so long, it is part of our identity and a part that I believe will never truly leave.

    I am sorry you are also experiencing nausea hell. I was complaining (yes, COMPLAINING) to my mom about the nausea the other day and saying how weird that a woman's body is MADE to do this stuff - and with the body being the amazing thing that it is - one would think that you would feel your absolute best for every minute of these nine months!

    Hope you start feeling better soon :-)

  4. Funny thing is I have complained about everything during this pregnancy. Which I think I only do so that I can hear myself talking about being pregnant. It makes it more real for me. And I'm thrilled with the constipation, heartburn, nausea, weight gain... I just want to complain about it like every other pregnant person!

  5. Wow, this is so true. I'm trying not to complain about feeling nauseous but seriously when it is 24 hours a day...sigh. I'm working on changing my perception of being infertile. Wow, not that it finally worked, what do I do now?! I'm happy, but it's an adjustment.

  6. Sorry about the nausea. I share the sentiment with so many others that while I'm reassured and sadistically pleased by all the adverse side effects, I have for the first time ever felt empathy for all those complaining pregnancy women, cause wake-you-up-in-the-middle-of-the-night-sore-boobs, nausea, and severe exhaustion really do suck.

    Going by your mom's theory, it looks like I'll be gaining at lot of weight.

  7. Thinking of you!
    I fear the barfy feeling even as I revel in what it *means*-- glad to be able to feel this way, wishing I could turn it on and off at will.

    thank you so much for your kind comments-here's hoping monday brings us each wonderful news.


  8. Loved this post, it perfectly worded some of the same feelings I've been experiencing. It's so strange to go from trying for so long to actually have success, takes some time to process! Regarding saying goodbye to the RE, I've been really dreading that too. I know I'm going to be a blubbering, crying mess that day...to say goodbye to the people who have given us our dream is so emotional, what an incredibly bittersweet moment.

  9. I am so, so happy for you. And no one should really enjoy morning sickness! You can be happy that it's there, but I am sure it still sucks. No judgment. :-)

  10. Way to find the bright side of puking - makin' it all seem more real makes it seem worth it! Hope the nausea passes soon so you can start enjoying yourself!

  11. Oh the nausea. It'll really knock you on your a$$. I certainly always appreciated the reminder that I was pregnant, but at the same time I felt so miserable and faint after heaving over the toilet for so long. It's okay to feel miserable. It doesn't mean you don't treasure the pregnancy!

    I'm at 29 weeks and I still have that reaction to pregnancy announcements. I'm starting to think it's never going to go away. :/ Which makes me sad, but.... I guess it's one way the infertility will forever be a part of me.

  12. Hey there sweet Interrupted. Best of luck tomorrow on the ultrasound. I hope it is fabulously reassuring and ALL GOOD NEWS.

    Thank you for your kind comment about my intermittent freaking-me-out nausea.

    I'll be thinking of you and checking in when I can tomorrow afternoon.

  13. praying for the best... checking my feeds constantly... eager for news...