guiliana, bill, and me

I have a few embarrassing TV loves. I kind of like Tori and Dean: Inn Love in Hollywood With Babies And Motorcycles, or whatever the name of that show is. I used to like Bridezillas, but now the women are so crazy-ass rude that it makes me want to take a shower afterward, so I stopped that one. I'm slightly addicted to Say Yes to the Dress.

And then I got sucked into Guiliana and Bill, about that super skinny girl from E! and her cute reality-TV husband. Really: he is about the only normal person I have ever seen on TV. And also, cute.

Anyway. Tonight, they're airing an episode about how they're going to a fertility doctor. This could be good. Let's watch together, shall we?

5:05: oops; forgot show was on. Turn on. My bad.

5:06: They go to the fertility doctor, who first off tells them that they are not considered infertile until they've been trying for a year. I missed the first 5 minutes, wherein they might have discussed how long they've been trying, but obviously it's less than 12 months. I hate them right now. Wimps.

5:07: doctor gives them this creepy speech about how making babies is like "making a recipe," so they need sperm, and eggs, and then "a quiche dish," which is apparently supposed to be her uterus. I would have kicked this guy in the head.

5:09: But they like the doctor, so whatever. Doctor performs ultrasound on Guiliana. Lord, but that girl needs a sandwich. All looks good.

5:10: Doctor leaves room. Bill whispers that doctor pulled him aside in the hallway to tell him that Guiliana needs to gain 5 pounds. (Note earlier comment about sandwich: I am now able to diagnose fertility problems just from looking at a person. Am brilliant scientist!) Guiliana immediately looks depressed. I would be depressed that my doctor had neither the respect nor the cojones to tell me this himself, but Guiliana is only thinking about how her job requires her to wear Super Skinny Sample clothing, and she is crushed by this news. I can feel every woman in America hating her right now. Including me. Also am wondering how she plans to deal with pregnancy and post-baby body if gaining 5 pounds puts her into a tailspin.

5:11: Doctor ready to give Bill's sperm analysis results. But network puts "long, fake pause with dramatic music" moment here and goes to commercial. Bastards.

5:16: back from commercial. Bill has 47 million. Apparently they are having too much sex. Bill thinks she has "old eggs." (They are kind of cute together, actually.) Doctor prescribes "sex every other day." I think of entire drawer of fertility drugs in my bathroom. Sigh.

5:18: Guiliana goes shopping with Generic Gay Assistant for ovulation predictor tests. (That guy has had a really bad tan job.) Guiliana and Matthew laugh about ugly maternity underwear. Lesson One: do not buy underwear at drug store. I feel like I know that already.

5:20: Guiliana and Matthew try out ovulation predictor tests. Fertility problems are so funny! Ha, ha, ha! Too cute! Extreme emotional, physical, financial and spiritual pain of millions of Americans is THE FUNNIEST TOPIC EVER and I am SO CUTE WHEN I MAKE FUN OF IT WITH MY ASSISTANT! Ha, ha, ha! Look at my hideous maternity underwear!

5:21: Bill ignores them and goes to watch TV. I like Bill.

5:22: Guiliana goes to make ovulation calendar. Agree with Bill that presence of Assistant is creepy and weird. Bill and Guiliana find out that they will be in separate cities on Magic Baby Day. Think of all Magic Baby Days in past four years. Sigh.

5:23: Bill has really well-groomed eyebrows. I'm just saying.

5:23: Bill goes to some university for motivational speaking. Insert motivational cliches here. Then goes to see Rachael Ray. He's giving coupon tips. Bill does not look like much of a coupon-clipper, but you never know. Think that Bill is unaware that most of the coupons in newspaper are for overpriced and unnecessary items.

5:24: Guiliana tries to spice up their sex life. Meanwhile, Bill is signing books, all the while thinking about Magic Baby Night for which he MUST RETURN HOME BECAUSE THIS IS THE NIGHT TO MAKE BABY. Guiliana home, waiting for Magic Baby Night to commence. Commercial.

5:25: Included in commercial break: ad for pregnancy test. Consider claim of ad that huge numbers of people can't read pregnancy tests correctly. Weep for future of nation.

5:26: Back to action. Bill sells lots of books while Guiliana, who is nearly too stupid to open a bottle of wine (or perhaps too weak: eat sandwich, woman) sets up candles and roses, etc. Bill is running late. Guiliana is bored. Eats mud pie. Now I like her a little more. Guiliana keeps leaving messages for him, which is clearly stupid as he is on a plane somewhere. But she eats more. Good job, girl. Keep eating.

5:28: Bill arrives home. Magic baby night commences. They decide to - get this - relax. Not worry so much about it. Just have fun sex. Prepare self for inevitable Guiliana Pregnancy Announcement in Next Freaking Episode, followed by cutesy speech about how all they needed to do was relax. Imagine following episodes of Generic Gay Assistant laughing about breast pumps. Maybe will not watch show anymore.

5:29: preview of next episode shows family needling couple about needing to have a baby, pronto. Suddenly feel overwhelming and illogical gush of love for poor Bill and Guiliana. They are working on it! Leave them alone!

5:30: realize that next show on schedule is all about celebrity kids. IDIOTS.

Verdict: Could have been worse. Appreciate that some celebrity couple is willing to talk about fertility problems. But strongly suspect that this particular couple makes all infertile couples look like whiny, self-centered, impatient yuppies who panic when they don't get pregnant after 3 months. Very strongly suspect that E! people are sending subliminal message that "infertility" is solved by "relaxing."

Still better than Private Practice, however.