Sunday, April 25, 2010

the fear

The word is now, officially, out. O. U. T. There are days when I love being part of a large congregation - the singing, the joy, the sense of encouragement and support - and then there are days when 500 people knowing your personal business is just a whole lot o' people.

I'm getting more used to the telling, and enjoying it more than at first. Crossing over into trimester two (yippee!) helps, although it doesn't exactly chase the fear away completely. I wish I could go to the doctor once a week for a nice, reassuring doppler check. And yes, I have thought about renting one of those little suckers myself - and I may do it yet - but I'm also freaked out by the possibility that, one day, I'll panic myself unnecessarily by not being able to find the heartbeat, convince myself of DOOM, DOOM, and all for no reason except that I have shittastic doppler skills. So, for now, I'm not taking that leap.

Also, I have control issues. (Have I mentioned this?) And I need to work on that. It's much harder work without the doppler, but I think it's good for me. At least, this is what I think right now. Give me fifteen minutes: it could change.

The fear is still a big deal. It lurks in the corner like the childhood monster in your closet. It comes out a night (apparently it is made more comfortable by my regular need to pee). It's not quite as big as it used to be - it's like when you visit your elementary school as an adult and wonder how on earth you used to fit into those chairs, and was the lunchroom always that small? - but it's still there. I have a feeling it's moved in permanently, as part of parenthood. I'm sure it will change shape, all the way to, "will s/he get into college?" but we'll learn to manage it. (She says hopefully.)

The nausea is easing up a bit, though still problematic in the mornings. I've added a stuffy nose and unusual amount of sneezing to the palate o' symptoms - but I'll take those over vomiting any day.

On Thursday, I'll hit 14 weeks. Amazing. Grateful beyond words.


  1. wow - we are in such similar places! I could have written that post if I was that eloquent! i agree about everyone knowing - it scares me - and they are all WAY more excited and optimistic about it than I am - because they have no clue that anything could go wrong - it just doesn't enter their heads!
    And yes to the sinuses also - I have been waking up my DP the last few nights snoring - and so neither of us is sleeping well. My sinuses are all blocked up and stuffy.
    I will be fourteen weeks this week too - though I can never figure out what day it is that I move from one week to the next.
    And yes, the very same reason I am reluctant to buy a Doppler - I will screw it up, it won't work and I will panic like hell! But I am so worried right now it's either that or a visit to the midwife.
    I'm rooting for you!!!!

  2. Congratulations on week 14!!! I couldn't agree more about the everyone knowing...we finally made the leap of faith yesterday by both e-mailing all of our family who didn't already know & announcing on fb. It was so scary right before & even after we sent those messages. Trying to focus on the positive though & hoping the fear subsides a bit.

  3. Congrats on your 2nd trimester. It was such a relief to me, but you're right- the fear lingers... I'm glad to hear that you're doing well!

  4. I'm grateful for you! Congrats to you guys! :)

  5. Sorry I haven't been posting - there are a few blogs whose comment boxes don't show up at my office b/c of our spam blocking software!

    I'm so happy you've reached trimester 2. It just keeps getting better (but sometimes harder). I agree about the fear. I try to calm myself down by telling myself that it will all be fine once the babies are born, and then I wonder who I'm kidding.

  6. :) This post made me smile as I feel very much the same at 13 weeks!

  7. Happy 2nd trimester! I've got the fear too. It's less than it used to be, but I still had a slight panic attack this morning when my midwife couldn't find the heartbeat immediately. (She found it 10 seconds later, I felt silly for worrying.) Telling people and buying my first couple pairs of maternity pants helped. I feel more committed, it feels more real. Let's hope the fear moves into the background as the weeks pass.