The only thing I hate more than other people's pregnancy announcements is the fact that I hate other people's pregnancy announcements.
The thing is, I never know how I'm going to react. One of my closest friends told me she was pregnant just a few weeks ago, and I was truly happy for her - a little twinge of jealousy, but nothing much. It flitted through my mind that we started trying while she was still pregnant with child number one, but I didn't dwell on it.
On the other hand, we heard from Husband's Aunt that her daughter is pregnant, and this threw me into a complete funk for days. I was angry and hurt and frustrated and bitter and super, super pissed off at the universe and God. I cried myself to sleep, when I finally did get to sleep.
What's the difference? Is it because my friend knows about our infertility and so was careful about the way she told me? Maybe. Is it because Husband's Aunt was so totally underwhelming in her response to hearing about our three-year baby quest? ("Well, sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't," she said. THAT'S IT? You are a freaking NURSE, for God's sake. You, when hearing about someone attempting invitro, you should know fucking better than to say, "oh, goodness, you'll end up with six!" Excuse me while I beat my head against your kitchen wall.)
Or maybe it's just the emotional fuckwittage of infertility. This is what I have determined Bridget Jones would call it. Complete fuckwittage. You think you are one person, a kind and generally gracious person, and then you hear about someone else's good news, and you pretty much want to push them off a bridge. See? Fuckwittage.
I hate feeling that way. Every time I determine NOT to feel that way, it pops back up like a leak in the dam. Stick your finger in one place, stop the water - and it just shoots out someplace else.
Husband always sweetly tells me that it is completely normal to feel this way, and of course it is. I know he's right. But I'm tired of feeling normal. I want to feel happy. I want to feel totally, unashamedly, un-bitterly (new word alert) happy for pregnant people.
What I really want is to be the person with the pregnancy announcement. If that never happens, I have no idea what level of fuckwittage will ensue. Let's hope we never find out.