Tuesday, June 26, 2012

deep breath: FET.

So, today I went in to do my office hysteroscopy. Good times. In all honesty, it was hardly painful at all - not painful, really, just a bit uncomfortable for 30 seconds - and over more quickly than I remembered. Sounding as well, plus some bloodwork.

Because, in spite of my epically cranky toddler who yesterday made me wonder why anyone in their right mind would want to have two of these things...FET, here we come.

This feels so different from the first time around, I can hardly explain it. Don't get me wrong: I'll be sad if it doesn't work. But I feel like we hit the baby jackpot so well that it almost seems greedy to try again. Like the universe only has so many babies available per year, and I would hate to take one away from a family that doesn't even have one yet. (I realize this is not how it works, although it would go a long way toward solving the "unexplained infertility" phenomenon.)

Toddlers are hard, for sure, but also delightful. Usually in the same 5 seconds. There are times when I wonder whether another one is such a good idea, but those moments don't last too long.

A big part of my motivation to have another child is because I want a sibling for our first. I have two brothers, and it's hard to imagine my life without them. I think about the future day (a long way off, I hope) when my parents aren't around anymore, and I am deeply grateful to have brothers who will still be a part of my life, a representation of that childhood-family. The people who know all the growing-up stories and the old history that disappears once your parents are gone, if you don't have siblings.

It's just that "having a sibling for my daughter" is a thousand times different as a motivation than, "having a child." Like wanting chocolate frosting for my cake when the best part is that I actually have cake to start with. I realize that having a second child changes your life, but I don't think it changes your identity as fundamentally as going from non-parent to parent: parent-of-one to parent-of-two is more of a strategy shift. Moving from zone defense to man-to-man, as my husband is fond of saying.

Also, sometimes I am scared that we have such a good life now, such a great child, that we are doing nothing but inviting trouble by daring to have another one.

(This ability of mine to always look on the crappy side is probably an inheritance from my northern European ancestors, who lived in countries where making meat out of a sheep bladder was considered a delicacy and it is dark 23 hours a day in the winter. "It will probably get worse" seems to course through my veins.)

At any rate, despite my fears of tempting the Baby Gods, we are scheduled for a transfer at the end of August. Because my husband is a teacher so it would be nice to have a baby at the end of May, just before school gets out.

Because, you know, I somehow have the audacity to imagine that we might actually get a baby out of this deal.  Double third-fingers to you, Infertility.

The best thing is, that under the worst circumstances, we end up just having one absolutely delightful (occasionally super, crazy irritating) child. When I think about my terror, a few years ago, that we would never even be here, it takes my breath away. I'd like a little frosting on my cake, to be sure, but mostly, I just love the heck out of the cake.


  1. You explain it so well....this is exactly how I'm feeling about our FET! Here's to chocolate frosting!! :) And btw, my son is a month older than your daughter and my FET is schedule about a month before yours....neat!

  2. So true about the 2nd child. We also wanted a sibling for our little girl and feel thrilled that we were lucky enough to do this twice. I'm also on the pessimist side of thinking, so I wonder continously if I made a crazy bad decision!!! Good luck. I hope it works. And if not, you do still have one perfect child. :)

  3. I swear I could have been the one writing this 2 1/2 years ago. After a long infertility struggle we were blessed with our son. We were already 40 years old but just didnt' care...this was awesome. We so thought we would be happy with just that one crazy miracle...but the overwhelming desire to give our son a sibling drove us to have a 2nd child. And with no left over embryos of our own and chances of being successful with another IVF cycle using our own goods...we adopted an embryo and were lucky enough to get pregnant on our first FET!!!! I truley hope this is the same for you. Our daughter is the completed piece of our family. No...it has not all been peaches and sunshine...she is a much more difficult baby/toddler than her brother was and does not believe that sleep is necessary for the whole family...but we LOVE it! The relationship between her and her brother (he is 4, she is now 19 months) is priceless and soooo worth it. so I will be sending soooo much sticky baby dust your way because although it will be hard....you will still love every minute of it! Good Luck.


  4. You completely nailed it with this post! We've been starting to consider a FET at the beginning of next year and I've been feeling so many of the same emotions and thoughts you described!
    Since Ian was conceived through donor embryos we really, really want him to have a biological sibling. Plus we're feeling the pressure a bit since we have five embryos waiting on ice. I also love having siblings and want him to experience that as well but as you said I at times think I'm crazy for even considering it so soon after all we've been through and how challenging just one can be at times.
    I so hope you'll get frosting for your cake my friend. Lots of love and thoughts being sent your way.

  5. Wow -- you really captured a lot of what I am feeling going into our FET (which we'll attempt next cycle). I've been having trouble writing about it, because my feelings are so changeable from day to day...but it is so, so different. And I feel so lucky for that.

  6. So well expressed. I was pretty driven to have "frosting on my cake", and am so thankful for her. It was a bigger adjustment than I had anticipated. And it was very clear after her arrival that I was done.

    Blessings and many prayers for all of you.

  7. You must be reading my mind! I am on the eve (literally!) of my FET for #2, and yup to all of that. Cake is yummy, and I just hope cake with frosting is even more so. Knock wood.

  8. Thank you for the honesty of your thoughts and feelings. Wishing you all the best with this upcoming cycle...

  9. I hope it works out for you. I feel similar to you on the sibling sentiments. Plus we will be old parents and would hope siblings would help each other deal with this together if/ when the need came.
    Good luck. I am yearning for number two but it is not time yet. Soon I hope!

  10. I pray the FET goes well.... we are looking foward to doing our own FET in late fall/early winter, as well. I love your description of this go-round as 'icing on the cake' --- that resonates with me. I feel so wholly blessed by our sweet baby girl that I sometimes struggle with guilty feelings of greed that I could desire more than this... but we have 5 frozen embryos out there awaiting an eventual transfer (frozen in batches of 2, 2 and 1, thankfully), and believe that they all deserve a fair shot at my uteran lining. :)
    Best of luck to your family in this endeavor. i hope you share more of the process, and hopefully its' - positive, fingers crossed! - end result with us all.