Saturday, May 22, 2010

the truth

Maybe I'll delete this post later so my child doesn't read it someday and hate me.

The truth is, I'm not really enjoying this pregnancy. I want to. So, so badly. I wrote my last post, about that magical moment of feeling the baby move, because I need a moment like that. I need to hang onto them.

Because I'm still sick, almost all the time. I throw up every morning. Nearly 18 weeks, and I'm still queasy most of the day. I threw up my dinner the past two nights. I have no appetite.

I try to tell myself that it's okay, that it's all for a good cause, and I believe that with all my heart - but truthfully, I'm exhausted. I'm miserable. I have looked forward to this experience for such a long time, and I hate the fact that, so far, I hate being pregnant.

This is very likely my only shot at this, my only pregnancy. We have one frozen embryo, but frankly, the way this is going, I may never want to do this again.

And if one more person tells me, "this part will be over soon," I will kick their well-meaning ass into next week. It was supposed to be over weeks ago. I was supposed to feel better weeks ago. And instead, I just feel guilty all the time, because I feel miserable, and I hate feeling miserable, and I hate that I'm not enjoying this pregnancy. I'm crying as I write this because I hate admitting all of these things, and I wouldn't do it, except that a.) I have to get it out somewhere and b.) I suspect there might be some other miserable woman out there who would appreciate knowing she's not alone.

Infertility, among all its other curses, makes you feel that you should never, ever, ever complain about being pregnant. That you should bask in every single second, because you know how hard it is to be here, and you know how hard it is for the women who aren't here yet, and who may never be. I was never going to complain about this. Ever.

But the truth will out, as they say. I'm probably just having a bad day. But now you know the truth. The ugly, hard, horrible truth. Maybe letting it out will stop the vomiting. God knows, I've tried everything else.


  1. Infertile women deserve to complain just as much as every "fertile-myrtle" out there. We've been through hell and back to get pregnant, but it doesn't make our pregnancies any easier! In fact, I feel like mine is harder than most "normal" pregnancies because of the fear I feel.

    It would suck to feel bad all day still- you have every right to hate that. But you will love your baby in the end and that is all that matters. :)

  2. dude, pregnancy sucks! and i don't want you to feel bad for saying so. you have every right to and im glad you said something, because we should not have to hold back from speaking the truth just because we had to work to get pregnant. i was sick for almost all of my pregnancy as well. so, so, so sick. it was horrible. i hope you start feeling a little better soon.


  3. I can agree with you all the way! At seventeen weeks I'm still miserable most of the time because of blasted headaches that make me nauseous. The fact is nobody wants to feel like crap all of the time even if you worked incredibly hard to get here! We want the kiddos! :)

  4. Awwwww, it's ok to complain!!! Throwing up every day sounds like it completely sucks, so go ahead and hate it! I really hope it gets better for you quick!!

  5. I could have written this post (along with many of the others you have written-- your blog is my favorite!) After 3 IVFs, 2 miscarriages, and the loss of this baby's twin, I am so grateful beyond words to be 19 weeks pregnant. But vomiting daily, multiple times a day, followed by weeks of heartburn that was so bad that I thought I was going into cardiac arrest did not increase my joy. I had a total meltdown a little over a week ago, feeling pissed at God, fate, whatever, that it has been so hard to get pregnant, only to have a difficult pregnancy that I was not enjoying. It didn't help that family told me "suck it up, you wanted this, remember!" IF is hard, and PG can be hard, and we shouldn't have to be martyrs just because we went through more than the average person to get PG. We are allowed to complain too! BTW, I finally, broke down and went on prevacid, and life has been much better. You may want to think about some meds-- I said I wouldn't do it, but I'm grateful I did. Hang in there!!

  6. You can be miserable about feeling sick all the time and still be overjoyed to be pregnant. I'm sure no one would would think badly of you. It's definately hard to think cheery thoughts when you feel constant nausea. That's why I gave up the Metformin, the constant downer was a misery.

    There are actually lots of supportive forums for extreme morning sickness if you'd like to be able to vent to people who really understand. Just google "morning sickness help".

    Hope you feel better soon!

  7. I'm with you. I suffered IF for several years, then lost my first baby at 37.5 weeks to 'unexplained stillbirth'. I SWORE if I ever got pregnant again, I would not complain. I am so very lucky to be pregnant again. But you know what? I had morning sickness until about 18-19 weeks this time and now at 29 weeks with twins, my back and hips are absolutely killing me. I'm trying not to bitch too much, but come on, pregnancy sucks. Let's just admit it and go on from there. If it's not my back, it's my belly, or the heartburn, or the nausea (yes, again at 29 weeks) or it's the new hip pain. yay. Hang in there. You can do this. Oh- and ginger pills helped my nausea. I took them every 2-3 hours and thye helped ALOT. good luck

  8. I agree with you: it sucks! And I'm not that sick - but when I'm bleeding and feeling like it's all going to end it feels like shit. It seems ironic that us IFers have to endure so much getting pregnant and staying pregnant and then we have to feel guilty for letting the sisterhood down and complaining about our misery.
    I really hope you get some relief soon - either from drugs or some miracle cure. I'm glad you are telling the truth - especially venting helps you:) here for you especially on the crappiest days!

  9. dear friend, your feelings are your feelings. and they're o.k.. for me the pregnancy was not (usually) a burden. but the birth... i'm still working through it. and i have felt guilt about that. i have the baby for whom i waited for so long, moments after she arrived i felt like a failure... so hard to admit... and there are moments and days of mothering her when i wonder if i'm taking her for granted, just a bit... we're human. when things are hard, they're hard. i love cg like crazy. you love your baby like crazy. a three day birth that ended in a lot of blood loss and no feelings of post-birth euphoria, and hard days/nights with an intense kid... its hard. intense "morning sickness" that will. not. stop. its hard. but there's grace dear friend. let it hold you. and i'll seek to do the same.

  10. I've had two friends who had severe morning sickness to the point of a picc line and iv meds, 2-3 times per day. This lasted for thier entire pregnancies. Both did it more than once because they loved thier first child so much.

    Hang in there.

  11. Don't beat yourself up. Hating the pregnancy doesn't mean you'll hate the baby. You'll love the baby. You'll adore the baby. Maybe you'll be the happiest labouring mom in history cause it will signal the end of a rotten pregnancy and the beginning of life as 3. But I really do hope that things get better as the time passes. Sorry you're having such a rough time.

  12. I'm with you. My morning sickness ended right on time, but I had plenty of other problems. I hate pregnancy, too. I can't help thinking that at least if I ever do this again, it will hopefully be better with only one fetus. These two are kicking my ass. And I also thought i would never complain about pregnancy, but it's SO DAMN LONG! 9 months is a really long time to not complain about something that bothers you 24 hours a day. So I'm totally with you on this one.

  13. Hey your honest.. it's okay.. Pregnancy morning sickness or as I like to call it Ickness!!! I had it so bad with my twins.. it's miserable.. some woman never have it and some woman have it everyday... Feel better.. we are here for you!!!