Being on a break from fertility treatments does not lead to a lot of material for your fertility blog, I can tell you that. I am deeply enjoying regular glasses of wine. I went on a caffeine bender there for awhile, until I decided that, since I am going to have to nip that in the bud eventually, I should start cutting back again before I set myself up for a giant withdrawal problem. And (insert drum roll here) - I have no idea when my period should be coming this month. No freaking clue. And I don't really care.
So these are all good things, and the idea of having a summer off from ovulation-predicting, day-counting, hormone-injecting, blood-drawing, hoo-ha-wanding, and the like is truly a wonderful thing.
I've been doing much better emotionally over the past few weeks. I realized the other day that it took nearly three weeks to end the pregnancy I found out about on Good Friday, and those three weeks were draining in every sense of the word. Blood drawn every three days or so; tears cried all the time. Frustration and anger and bitterness and grief and sheer shock - those emotions overwhelmed that period of time. It's certainly no surprise, and I would have expected nothing different from myself, or from anyone else.
But after the whole episode finally reached its conclusion, at the beginning of May, I turned a corner. The doctor has given us good reason to hope, and the freedom to take this much-needed break. I feel energetic and happy and reasonably hopeful again. I'm not in a huge hurry to get back to the doctor's office, but I know I'll be ready when it's time. I am not the same person I was a few months ago, but I do feel almost-whole again.
But I have absolutely no desire to have sex. None. Zip. Zero. Nada.
I will understand completely if you want to stop reading this post right now. I do feel a little weird writing about this, but I'm really puzzled by it and am struggling to know what to do, and hey - you people have read about almost every other bodily function I have (and I just used the word hoo-ha here, so this is not exactly a biology-free zone).
Don't get me wrong: I don't expect myself to be climbing up the walls for it this shortly after an ended pregnancy, but still...it's odd. My husband, who is living proof that the whole guys-reach-their-sexual-peak-at-18 thing is a CROCK, has been very patient, but considering that we really haven't had much of a sex life since we started the IVF cycle at the beginning of March, it really has been awhile.
Mostly, I'm dumbfounded at the complete disappearance of any sexual inclination on my part. I love my husband, I think he's absolutely wonderful, he's got a seriously hot ass, and yet - if we never had sex again, I'd be fine. Why do I think that? I mean, come on - that can't be good.
So today I called my nurse and left a message, asking her to call back so that I can confess this embarrassing fact about myself and see if there's something I can do about it. Are my hormones out of whack? Am I still stuck in grief and in complete denial about it? Will this desire come back? Is this normal?
What do you think?
HOW ON EARTH AM I PUBLICLY DISCUSSING MY SEX LIFE?
Infertility: even better than reality television for ending any illusions you had about privacy.