Tuesday, February 7, 2012


I've started this post about fifty times (mostly in my head) and then stopped. Mostly because I am still overwhelmed by guilt any time I feel the need to vent about parenting, because I think about all the men and women still stuck in the Infertility Zone of Hell and I remember how, when I was there, I swore I would never complain about parenting because don't those people know how lucky they are to have children?

Also, I've read a few blogs lately about people whose fertility treatments have failed and I feel very sad about that for them, and that also tends to make my complaining seem really petty and small.

And then I live in an area of the country where a man just took his life and the lives of his two small children in a very terrible, awful, horrific manner, and I am without words to express how sad this makes me.

So there is a piece of me that says I should shut up about the hard parenting days and just let it go.

But there is another piece of me that needs to get this out. And for right now, that piece is winning. Maybe I'll delete later.

Here it is.

Some days I think I do not have enough patience to be a parent. Really. I think I might be a truly, unchangably, basically selfish person because when my kid wakes up at 5:00am AGAIN even though there is no reason for her to do so (seriously; I've checked) I just want to put the pillow over my head and let her cry because I don't think it's asking too much for me to sleep until, you know, 5:45am or something.

I am not even a stay-at-home-parent - I go to work and she goes to a truly wonderful childcare three days a week - and still, by the end of some days, I just cannot take the clutching, pinching, crawling-all-over-me, whining, constantconstantconstantconstant need. All. the. time. I can't take it. I need to pee by myself. There. I said it.

I am sick and tired of making five things for dinner, none of which she will deign to eat. Meanwhile, she will eat whatever her dad puts on a plate.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY SHE NAPS FOR EVERYONE EXCEPT ME and this pisses me off. A lot. I mean, I don't actually yell at her, but there was a big part of me yesterday that wanted to. I had to stay downstairs and let her cry for about 15 minutes because I was too mad to go up there.

(Before you call CPS on me, let me assure you that I have never, ever, ever hit my child and I cannot imagine actually doing so, but some days I understand why people who never learned how to manage their anger do that. I think every parent in the world thinks that thought at some point but nobody says it out loud because it makes you feel like the worst person in the world. So there, I said it.)

I am really tired of people a.) commanding me to "enjoy every moment because it goes so fast" (not at 5:00bloodyAM, it doesn't); b.) teasing me about how good it is that my child is wearing me out (an old guy at church does this and it just makes me want to punch him in the nuts, except that is wisely against the rules for pastors to do to parishioners); c.) offering me endless parenting advice that I never asked for and don't want.

I am tired of being crabby.

I. Am. Tired.

So, there. There it all is, in all its ugly and selfish glory. Because I love my darling girl, who is a complete and utter miracle, and who makes me laugh and gives me joy beyond words and whose life I am privileged to witness...

...but she also drives me fucking nuts.

I guess that's parenting.

(Also, if you want to read a much better and infinitely more thoughtful reflection on this sort of stuff, go check out this amazing post on Momastery. It's what I mean but am too crabby to articulate.)


  1. You are SO right! We have every reason to be happy and thrilled and love our children to death (which WE DO, of COURSE - after all, we worked so so hard to get them here), but in the same breath want to pull our hair out because they are driving us absolutely insane!
    I want so badly to pee by myself too...NO, I don't think you need to sit on my lap or play with my hair or try to grab things off the bathroom counter while I am going potty. I really don't. Sigh...but I don't do anything about this...I don't close the door tight and listen to them bang on the door so I can potty in peace..nope, I still let them in. Whose fault is that? HA!
    I feel exactly the same way you do, and I don't stay home with my girls either. And I think it's getting worse now that we have entered toddlerhood...it's like they do things to spite you...ON PURPOSE!! It's just nuts.
    I really think this is what it is to be a parent, and I think you said a lot of things that every parent has to think. And if they don't admit to it...I think they are lying...and if they aren't lying then that makes me feel like more of an awful person than I already do for agreeing with you and validating your points - lol!
    As for 5 AM wake up time...yeah...we CIO at 5 AM...I will check you to make sure you are fine, but if it is still dark outside, you are not getting up...period...unless you are sick or poopy or something. If that makes me a bad parent, so be it, but I really don't think it does. It makes my existence more bearable =)
    Preach on momma!

  2. Amen to all that you said. Anyone who has ever been a parent knows that this is all absolutely true and if they deny it, they are liars. Plain and simple. Paisley still makes me want to pull my hair out on a daily basis and I too would love to pee alone. Waking up in the middle of the night is AWFUL and I've let her cry for longer periods of time than I would have ever expected!

  3. Being a parent is tough, being a parent to a toddler is tough to the 15th power. I couldn't wait for my kids to get to the next stage "it will be easier when they sleep through the night" " It will be easier when they can feed themselves" etc. The truth is,it didn't get easier until they started school and I could have a few precious hours to myself! Even now, when they are all in school, I dread the sound of the school bus because that means they are about to run through the door, drop their school stuff all over the house I just cleaned, demand snacks and then make me help them with their homework for 3 or 4 hours. How can you love someone so much but not really want to be around them at all? I just don't understand it.
    But... I remember when they were babies, so soft and snuggly, and all i wanted them to do was get off of me, but now I wish I could snuggle with them again. NOT that I would go back to that age for all the tea in China, this womb is closed! but I do miss it, and I am sure others do too, and that is why we all say to cherish every moment, even though huge parts of it suck :(

  4. Yep, I totally agree. I haven't read in a while, but here I am and I am totally with ya'! It is HARD stuff. I lose my temper more than I'd like to admit. I feel awful afterwards. But I have two of them clawing at me all day long and there is only so much a girl can take! So, I enjoy and savor the moments I can enjoy and I survive the ones that suck. And I have no regrets in that:)!

  5. I agree. Things are pretty tough right now. I'm super lucky that one of my kids is sweet and happy and smiley and only cranky and difficult a tiny percent of the time. The other one is exactly the opposite, though, and I really want to just drop him off at a fire station some days. Or send his little diapered butt away to boarding preschool. And the hard thing about having twins is to try not to show preference for either of them. Gah! I really DO try to appreciate the good times, though, it helps get through the bad.

  6. it's okay to be crabby. you don't lose that right just because you've been through IF hell. sending a (hug) of support.

  7. Oh, sweetie, you sound sleep-deprived. It's okay to be both in love with your daughter and utterly frustrated. Both can exist at the same time. Grateful and grumpy.

    No one said this parenting thing would be easy. Just because we had to work a thousand times harder than the couple next door, doesn't mean we won't have our bad days.

    Know we are here for you, not judging you.


  8. Oh, boy. I am right there with you. I'm pretty sure I am missing the selfless mama gene...especially at 4:15 in the morning. Hang in there!!

  9. Oh honey I think pretty much every parent has been there & you absolutely are not an awful person for being honest & real about parenting. Thank you for putting into words the conflicting but real emotions most of us feel as parents.